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COPING WITH LOSS
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I am a 43-year-old man, happily married for the last twenty years. I am a government servant and have been reasonably satisfied with my job and life. I have a most loving wife and three children. In fact, everything was heavenly bliss till two and a half years ago. At that time, my youngest son, who was 16 aan very healthy and robust, was suddenly found to be suffering from a dreaded neurological disease known as SSPE (Subacute Sclerosing Pan Encephalitis.) We have been told that it is a progressive, terminal illness that causes global degeneration and has no cure. My son is now in the last stages of life waiting for his end. Knowing the intricacies of life and death, I have been able to prepare myself for this inevitable separation. In fact, there are times when I find myself detached from my son. We are doing our best for the child. But it has been very difficult for my wife and she has remained quite perturbed. She keeps asking God, ?Why me?? Whenever she is alone, she is quite depressed. All my explanations to her about life, death, destiny, fate, joy and sorrow have been inadequate. Both of us love each other immensely and depend upon each other a lot for mutual happiness. Please advise me how she can be guided further to lead a normal, happy life in future. Will psychiatric counselling be helpful in this case?
Randhir Singh
There is a lump in my throat as I type out, or try to type out an answer to your letter. Mere words do nothing to alleviate another person?s pain, they do nothing to assuage another person?s sorrow. I am extremely saddened to hear of this turn of events in your family?s life and I am sure that everyone else who is reading this column today joins me in conveying our collective sympathy, our heartfelt sorrow to your entire family in this moment of grief. In life, there are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths. In fact, I believe that Life is what happens while you are making other plans. When confronted with loss, either emotional or material, the human mind goes through a series of emotional reactions that I would want to make you and your wife aware of. First, there is Shock and Denial. No, no, it can?t be happening, the mind cries out. It can?t bring itself to believe that such a thing could happen to it. This stage is then replaced by the second stage of Anger. Where the question now is ?Why me?? ?What have I done to deserve this fate?? Unfortunately, the mind does not come up with a satisfactory explanation to these questions. Not because the mind has lost the faculty of reason. But because no answers exist. To each person who is faced with sorrow, his sorrow seems the greatest. His misfortune the most unkind. And then begins the Bargaining. He says, ?God spare me, or my child, or my spouse, or my parent. And I will offer prasada worth so much. Or I will do such and such penance. Or I will give up alcohol and non-veg and whatever else is required. But please save this person.? When there is no sign of such softening on God?s part comes the Depression. Feelings of sadness. Thoughts of helplessness, of hopelessness, of the futility of life. Of guilt at not having done enough. Maybe even suicidal thoughts. And finally comes Acceptance.
Acceptance of the inevitability of the loss. Howsoever painful or traumatic or bitter it may be. Acceptance of the presence of a divine presence that manipulates us like puppets. As parts of a great celestial, or should I say divine again, drama. Once this stage is reached, life struggles to get back on its feet. So that we can continue to play out the roles assigned to us by the Almighty. Until we too have to keep our own appointment with Him. This might well be the essence of life. He who attains this wisdom earlier remains happy longer. And by three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is the noblest. And the least painful. Second, by imitation, which is the easiest and probably the most shallow. And third by experience, which is the bitterest. And the truest and most profound. Detachment is the maturest way the mind has to reach the stage of acceptance. You are there or nearly so. For your wife to reach there is equally important. She is still fixated at one of the earlier stages that I have mentioned. And a psychiatrist can provide invaluable support in her effort to progress through till she also reaches a similar state of detachment and acceptance. Please don?t hesitate to contact me if you feel that I can be of some help.
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BOYFRIEND WANTS TO SQUEEZE MY BREASTS
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I am a 19-year-old girl and I am a regular reader of your column. My 21-year-old boyfriend has recently developed the habit of squeezing my breasts and he insists on doing it every time that we meet. This causes a lot of pain but also a lot of excitement within me. Can this habit of his cause any problems for me either now or in the future? Should I do something about it? I also want to know when a girl?s breasts start producing milk. I am extremely tense and request you to answer as soon as possible.
A Tense Young Girl
The one thing that you can and should do is to make him aware of the fact that he is hurting you when he is squeezing your breasts. And that it would be much more pleasurable for you and for him too, for you would then reciprocate better, if he were to be slightly gentler with you when he was doing whatever he was doing. This habit by itself is not going to cause any problems, either now or later, but it is what usually follows such heavy fondling and petting that is rather notorious for getting young, willing and gullible girls into trouble. Especially girls who don?t know enough about how to distinguish the birds from the bees, to separate the harmless from the potentially harmful. And obviously, you appear to be falling within this category. Growing up, becoming aware of your own sexuality and your own needs is a wonderful experience, a glorious feeling. But then, it is equally important, probably even more so, to be aware of your own inexperience, your own ignorance about matters pertaining to sex. For it is so very easy to slip into a sexual high, to get indiscrete when alone with your boyfriend on a romantic, moonlit night. And do something rash. Rash not because young boys and girls should not do IT but because they often do it without adequate protection. And the girl is left holding the baby. Either literally or figuratively. Coming to your second question, lactation or breast - milk production starts either after childbirth or if there is some physical or hormonal problem which can trigger it off even in the absence of childbirth. Sexual stimulation of the breasts, either fondling or squeezing, is not one of the known triggers!
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CONSIDERING SEPARATION FROM HUSBAND
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I am a 33 years old woman and I have been married for a little over six years. I have one son and I am employed with a private organisation. I have had a lot of problems with my marriage over the last two years, both with my huband and my in-laws. Both my husband and I visited a marriage counsellor also a few times but nothing changed in our relationship. I am fed up with the way my life is going on at present and I am seriously considering separation now. However, it is not an easy decision for me to take, as I don?t know what life is going to be like for a divorced woman with a young child. There are all these horror stories that everyone tells me about which make me think that my present life may be better than all that I will have to face if I do divorce my husband. I think I would like to remarry also since the prospect of a life spent alone is not very appetising. I would like your opinion on what a person in my situation should do, continue living in my present hell or take the plunge into uncertainity. Please advise.
Damini
I think that you may have partly answered your own question when you compare present hell with future uncertainity. I say so because the present hell is a certainity in itself for you. And it carries with it the greater certainity of the hell fires burning brighter and hotter as the years go by. Of course there will come a time when you will become so used to the heat that you will welcome any moments of respite and say that the wait was worth it but it will only be an illusion. Almost like the sun peeping out ineffectually for a moment on an otherwise cold, dreary Arctic winter morning. All that you will ensure is a lifetime of unhappiness, which, try as I might, I can?t envisage as being any kind of lifetime goal or purpose for any individual. If fight or struggle you must, it will be better to do so in what you are labelling an ?uncertain? future. Because by its very definition, uncertainity carries with it the possibility of your being happier than you are now or will be at all comparable points in time down the road. And that probability is worth its weight in gold. If you have to struggle, you might as well do it where it is likely to pay off. Don?t think that I am painting a very rosy picture for you or that I am any kind of ardent supporter of separations or divorce. For I am not. I am just a professional giving you professional advice based on my experiences over the last several years. Okay. Now let me tell you more.
If you do muster up the requisite amount of strength and courage and do walk out, DON?T, PLEASE DON?T waste it. Don?t undo all the good work by becoming a piece of driftwood drifting in the stream of life. Don?t undo all the good work by becoming an emotional isolate. Or by indulging in self-pity and bemoaning your fate. Don?t undo all the good work by making immature and impulsive decisions like getting into relationships that are not going to lead anywhere. Don't become weak and helpless soon after being so strong and bold. For if you do so, not only you but also your child will be paying the price. Your child will need to see you holding yourself up strongly if he is to grow up into a healthy and secure individual. And that is the one legacy that you need to leave for him. That no matter what happens, one can always overcome adversity by being a fighter, a survivor. Finally, I would like you to remember only one thing. Life does not end at a bad relationship. It probably begins there. And you would do well not to lose sight of this one fact.
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